11 and 12 years later, I healed from my miscarriages.

Last Saturday, from 1-5pm, I had the privilege to lead 6 women in the creation of personalized affirmation cards.  The theme was "Moving Through Loss and Grief".

Honestly, I was scared to lead that workshop because I have no experience at all with grief.  I have no experience in even allowing myself to experience grief, let alone guiding someone through the process.   However, what kept coming to me is that I didn't have to guide anyone through grief, all I had to do was listen, wonder with them and hold the space for each one of the participant to be with their experience.  

I wasn’t sure what kind of loss the participants would be addressing but I was open to anything.  In the weeks before, as I was getting ready for this event and wondering about my own losses/grief history, what kept coming up for me was the 2 miscarriages I had, 11 and 12 years ago.  I didn’t realize that I was still grieving and when I looked back, I see that I didn’t really allow myself to grieve at the time.  It brought up so many emotions and thoughts that I wasn’t aware were still alive.  

It is so strange to grief the life of someone that you’ve never met.  Because it was early in my pregnancy (6 weeks and 11 weeks), I dismissed it myself.  I remember feeling down and sad but making myself wrong about it.  I would tell myself: “Come one, you already have 2 healthy daughters, get over it.”  “It was only a peanut not a person yet so get over it.”  I felt alone, I didn’t feel I could talk about it with anyone so I kept silent about it.  I also realized that I was still feeling some guilt and shame on losing the babies but also on how I dealt with the losses.

At one point during the loveshop, I dipped my paintbrush in paint and dabbed it on my watercolor paper and the most beautiful shapes formed: kisses.  It moved my heart and soul.  My babies were blowing kisses to me.  They were sending me so much love and I felt it.  A little bit later, I put my paper under the sun for it to dry quicker and 2 tiny white butterflies flew over my painting - it was magical and so touching.  I understood that they weren’t mad at me, that I didn't need to feel guilty and ashamed anymore for what happened and for the way I dealt with the losses. One thing I am learning from my miscarriages is to honor and respect my needs and my process without making myself wrong.  

It brings me to remind you that whatever you are going through in life, remember to allow yourself space to experience it your way.  There is not one recipe that fits everybody.  You have to find what is your recipe for creating your life and dealing with what comes up in your life.  Learn to know, love and, accept yourself the way you are.  And if it takes 12 years to deal with something... so be it!  

I love doing this Intentional Creativity work, it brings so much healing, peace and joy... even when dealing with a heavy subjects like grief and loss.  

Sensually Love Yourself As You Are Today!

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