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Dear Fellow Travellers,
October marks the end of the pagan year and for many of us a time of personal transformation, whether in the spiritual or earthly realms. This is literally true for me. Twenty-two years ago this month, I gave birth to my first daughter.
Looking back, I know that my baby wasn’t supposed to arrive that night; she was due a full week later. So, due to a series of unnecessary medical interventions and possibly - I’ll say it - incompetence or laziness on the part of the medical team, after almost 30 hours, I had to have an emergency C-section. Fortunately, my daughter was healthy, but it took her three days to open her eyes. This confirmed that she wasn’t ready to be in the big world quite yet. I felt guilty about that for a long time, afraid that I hurt her deeply. I am still saddened by knowing that my first feeling about being a mother was that I was a failure. I know I’m not alone in this.
Looking back, I can see that I felt like I didn’t know anything about what was happening to me. I didn’t trust myself, but I also had major apprehensions about the strict Western medical process that came to define my pregnancy. I didn’t admit these things to myself at the time, though, and I didn’t have anyone to admit it to, anyway. I had no spiritual or emotional support; I had some physical support but not what I deeply needed. I didn’t even know what to ask for.
Many years later, my beloved grandmother told me she had never seen a woman so run down after giving birth - and that’s saying a lot. I was the ghost of myself, she didn’t recognize me and worried.
It took me a long time to recuperate.
It took me a long time to make peace with the idea that I forced my daughter into the world when she wasn’t ready.
It took me a long time to forgive myself for not knowing what I didn’t know and to receive the wave of unconditional love of the Divine.
Once I did, I was able to forgive myself for not knowing what I didn’t know. I accepted that I didn’t have support, I didn’t know how to be a support for myself, and that I didn’t know what I needed and couldn’t ask for it. My daughter may have suffered the slings and arrows of a new mother in over her head, but she is a vibrant, wonderful young woman now and we are close. It was a hard journey, but we’re all okay now. There’s no need to carry guilt; I know I did my best every day, even if it wasn’t perfect.
Looking back, I realize that part of my barrier was reluctance. Reluctance to speak up, to ask for help even if I didn’t know what I needed, exactly.
In this time of harvesting, we have an opportunity to receive mindfully. Giving and receiving is the natural, virtuous cycle and yet I know that many of us resist receiving. As women, we learned to give and give, and although it’s true that when we give we also receive, it cannot be the only way we can receive. When we receive gracefully with an open heart, we also give.
“Until we can receive with an open heart, we can never really give with an open heart.” – Brene Brown
Sometimes, we are in a space where we need to receive more than we give.
I would like to share with you some inquiries:
I invite you to receive gracefully and mindfully with an open heart. Yes, it feels vulnerable but trust me that it has the power to deepen your relationships. Honor the person who gives to you: look them in the eyes and say thank you for the specific gift, but mostly for what’s behind it: generosity, love, selfless concern for you, and deep care.
Receive my love to you,
I am an intuitive artist, Intentional Creativity ® Coach, Color of Woman Teacher, certified law of attraction coach, wife, mom and so much more! I love all things spiritual. I believe that the questions are much more valuable than the answers and it's why I live in a constant inquiry. Welcome in my world. Get a cup of coffee and spend some time dreaming with me.