Family Vacation - A Trip Back in Time.

At the end of our trip, at Canada's Wonderland, an amusement park. I was feeling better after a tough ride. My body doesn't like roller coasters anymore.

I am reflecting on my summer vacation when I visited my family.  It is sometimes difficult for me to go back there, even after 8 years of visiting periodically and doing some spiritual, emotional work ... it messes with my head and my heart.  However, it is also very humbling.  As much as I miss my family, I often feel out of place and feel like I am going back in time, re-becoming the uninteresting girl that doesn't make sense, "is not in touch with reality" and who doesn't feel heard and understood.

What is up with all the great personal and spiritual work I've done in the last year?  Shouldn't have I been able to stay zen, breathe in peace and breathe out love?  Well, apparently not!  

It seems like whatever breakthroughs I had in the last year went into smoke as soon as I saw my family.  From the weird hello - going with the handshake instead of the hug... what?- to the hearing of everyone's struggles and feeling quite helpless and far away, wondering if I shouldn't move back to save them all... big ego, I know!  

While I was there, I forgot all my tools and I was very aware of my flaws and shortcomings...again, very humbling!

However, looking back, I realize that I made the trip about me and what I wanted to receive from them all: validation, interest, and excitement for what I am up to.  I went there from a space of selfishness... even their struggles, I made them about me.  I wish I could've gone from a space of love and self-love.  It would have felt a whole lot better.  I guess I still have some things to learn and practice... my soul journey is not over yet!

Now that I am back, how do I deal with those emotions of inadequacy, disappointment in myself, and helplessness?  How do I plan the next vacation so it is honoring of my family and myself?

1- I have a great circle of friends that remind me of my tools and that I am on a journey and that what happened and how I felt is great and perfect as it is teaching me many things:
                  - It is not all about me.
                  - Leave my expectations at home next time.
                  - Stay open to love in  all its forms.

2- I bring my pain and stories to the canvas and I transform it intentionally, staying open to wisdom within.  That is my way to create a new story for my family.  By putting layers of paint on the canvas representing the wounds of our family stories it frees me and us and allows us to create a new context, a new story.  

3- I put in place a spiritual routine that grounds me, helps me to forgive myself and be love: gratitude, Ho'oponopono, prayers and meditation.

4- Next year, in our schedule, I need to allow some time to myself to honor my spiritual practice.  It will be good for myself and others.

Have you felt like you were going backward when visiting with family?  How do you deal with it?  What if it wasn't moving backward but just moving to a different ring of a spiral?  

p.s. Oh and don't worry, it wasn't all bad... I also had a lot of fun!!!  

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